Friday, November 11, 2011

I'm Ok I Miss U

Its Remembrance Day again. Arguably one of the toughest days of the year for this Veteran, this Army Wife, this Mom-who-wore-combat-boots, this woman who loves her Country as much as she loves her precious family.  I'm always so lost because as a Veteran I'm proud of what I did and yet hurt by the well meaning folks who can't seem to imagine the Vet Plate on my van is mine, or the CD ribbon on my chest is mine...I must be wearing both to honour my husband right?

I was medically released from the Army after only 12 years and as a full time, 24/7 class B/C the whole time, reservist I wasn't entitled to a pension or even a Veteran ID card.  My pre-deployment training for Rwanda and my very limited involvement in that mission didn't earn me a medal. It changed my life forever, but you can't hardly know that unless you could see inside my memories. I didn't go to Afghanistan, I only supported 4 of the missions from a rear position.  No matter which way you cut it, I don't have any real emblems to wear to show 'what I did.'  And how do I even compare next to so many of my brothers and sisters in arms anyway? Soldiers like my Husband with 4 overseas and 4 domestic ops under his belt to say the least. I can hardly blame folks for not knowing or guessing the truth about me.

And really those well meaning folks aren't actually wrong either! I truly am deeply proud of my Soldier-Hero-Husband. I've admired him since the day I met him on my Basic training and he was bandaging a nasty blister I had from my first ruck march. He's accomplished so much and as his Army Wife I've been through hell and back worrying about him when he was deployed.  And he's been deployed A LOT ~ certainly a hell of lot more than I.

The sound of his voice at 0500hrs on the morning of 19 April 2002 saying: I'm okay and I miss you is a soundtrack in my memory that won't ever be lost.  That was Canada's first rotation into Afghanistan, the night of the friendly fire and we didn't have the logistics of notifying family of the fallen properly squared away.  That night, I had no uniform of my own, only the fear of a woman in love thinking her Husband, the Father of her daughters might never come Home again.

In 2006, on his 4th overseas deployment, and back to Afghanistan again, I woke up one night with a horrible feeling and just knew he wasn't safe.  I received a text late into the morning that read: I'm ok I miss u. As it turned out he had been on an air evac mission and sure enough things had gone awry. Command staff had made some grievous errors. Fortunately Doc had been able to compensate for the poor preparation in terms of patient care on board and the incredible and gifted pilot took care of the rest.

I love my precious and noble Country. I love the people, the land, sea and the skies more than I could possibly explain using the inadequacy of words. I still serve, in my small 's' way by being a Public Servant in the Federal Government but again, it isn't something you can see on my chest.

Toughest of all is the toll Military Life has taken on my heart, mind and family. More invisible pieces of the puzzle. From lost friends, survivor's guilt, PTSD and too many family milestones missed, Doc, the Girls and I have a pretty heavy ruck sack we try to carry around together. And maybe that's the thing I need to REMEMBER is that I have Doc, Bug & Doe.  I have their love and presence in my life because my brothers and sisters in arms, the many before, alongside and those that will come after us, stood up and said they'd protect Canada and keep her people safe and free.

Thanks for letting me Serve you Canada, truly the honour was in the privilege of opportunity.

Put your right foot in you put right foot out...

Well being 'hosted' on a wordpress blog, versus being the blog owner is just too confusing for my tiny little brain to manage so I'm hoping if I come back to my blogspot roots I'll feel more comfortable and therefore post more often.

Here's hoping that coming back after 7 years on I'll be able to find some sense of home still.

Just realized that literally every comment I've ever had is missing on my entire archive though :( That's a sad discovery. Lost friends and conversations...

Monday, September 27, 2004

New Home Online

Come to my new online home folks. Mark has done a wonderful job all for little ole me.

Friday, September 17, 2004

Monty's Ceremony

For my friends that are here in Alberta, I promised to put the particulars of Steve/Monty's wake and funeral details here. This is what I have so far:

Wake/Viewing at Memories Funeral Home, 13403 St Albert Trail, in St Albert 1800-2100 hrs on Monday the 20th

Funeral Mass at St Charles Catholic Church, 17653 112st, (the one up by the garrison) 1300 hrs on Tuesday the 21st.

The dress is 1A - DEU with medals.

The jump in honour of Monty was post-poned today because of wind but if I get the timings for next go round, I'll post. I did learn that they jumped his barret for him the day he went into the hospital because he was originally supposed to go up with the coy; though of course he couldn't jump himself. (Tuesday I believe)

Finally, Devil 6 is trying to make it out but for sure his domestic niner is coming, our dear, sweet friend Trish.

We Will Remember!

You can get me at if you have any other questions.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

More Loss

We've lost another dear friend to cancer today. His name is Steve deMontbrun and he served with my husband in Afghanistan in 2002 and while he and Mark were bonding soldier-style, Steve's wife and I became a part of this remarkable group of womyn that have been self-dubbed the Apollo YaYas, after the Operation name of Apollo and the Divine Secrets of The YaYa Sisterhood movie.

My heart is just aching for his young life and their budding marriage. I'm completely at a loss for words...all I feel is the ache and I miss my family that much more right now.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004


OMG, what a pain in the cyber-butt. Thanks to Mark, I discovered that my that my blog had gone AWOL. I ended up having to re-format, so-to-speak, and lost all my personalized items like comments, links etc.. :( Unfortunately I'm the textbook definition of 'end-user' and I'm so short on spare time these days that getting my blog to look anything like what I want again will take some time. (it takes me quite awhile to figure out all those simple little things that most of you can likely do in your sleep ~chuckles~)

On the upside, my daughter is doing much better. Perhaps some of you will know that I ended up racing home Saturday night because she was having breathing difficulties with her asthma? Well, it's going to be a bit of a battle for awhile but everything is stable and we have her under control again. Thank Heavens!!!!

My training has definitely taken a back seat in my life these days but that's better than not being in the vehicle at all of course. ~winks~

Thanks again Mark for checking in on are such a sweetie! :-)

Sunday, September 5, 2004

Race: Tanks & Tags

Oh, just an aside, I keep forgetting to post my races like other folks do. So, here is my next one: Tanks & Tags in Edmonton. A wonderful little 5Km for a great cause.

Runner At My Back

School Girl

Wow, first week of school is off to a great start so far. Though my 'extended family' that are allowing me to board with them are definitely keeping me busy as a little beaver. I definitely need to find a way to get my sleep without seeming rude. They are such awesome gals and I absolutely adore them but my lifestyle is VERY different.

Runner At My Back

Anyway, my intro day was Saturday and guess what? I had a runner sitting behind me. I picked up that he was likely a runner by his 'look.' I'm not sure I can articulate what that means, just that I recognize the look. Sure enough, at lunch break he offered some directions to a lunch location indicating that even though he worked at city hall, he 'ran' during his lunch break so knew very little about the dining locations in the area. I felt oddly comfortable in my class knowing that there was 'another runner' there. Now ironically, he was the tall, lean sleek type and I'm the adorable, cherubby, she-rah type of runner; but we are both runners no matter how fast or what we look like or what kind of trails we choose. We both exuded a certain different kind of confidence I think. And, we were a 'we' even though we didn't speak about our shared runner's life. I thought that was really cool. Plus, he was a very direct and intelligent man so I really enjoyed his contributions. Do you suppose he is like that BECAUSE he is a runner?! ~smiles~

The Running

Well, running in the west end of Edmonton was just downright un-nerving for me. I'm so used to my secluded, protected areas. My trails on the base or in the provincial park. Running in a city residential area was very uncomfortable for me. I was scared and my breathing was incredibly laboured. (breathing problems from fear I'm guessing?) I'm sure most of the fear came from my instincts that were screaming out: "you should NOT be running alone in a place like this no matter WHAT time of day it is."

My plan when I return to Edmonton on Tuesday is to hit the trails on the base. Looks like I'll be working up there in between classes so I'll budget my 2 hour workout into the schedule. ~aside: I LOVE being my own boss~ I have a couple GFs I can run with there and I've missed them horribly. They are SAHMs so they can accommodate my odd mid-day running times by packing up the running stroller in one case and the other gal's kids are in school.

Looks like my days will be jam packed and that is a really good thing.


I wonder if anyone can contribute some feedback on sore hips? Not sure what I'm doing differently and I've promised myself a trip to the chiropractor on Wed, but my left hip is really sore when running these days. I can walk without an ounce of complaint but when I break into the run I find it hard to prevent a gentle limp to my stride. I wonder if my weight may be the cause? It shifts so quickly when I need to use my meds that I wonder if my continual shift in my centre of balance could be causing this occur? I've never had it happen before but still, it was the only thing I could come up with since I've not injured myself in any way I can remember. Now, I did dislocate my SI joint a couple years back but when it 'acts up' I get a numb butt and tingly legs, not a sore hip. Ever run with numb bum? Very weird, trust me! LMBO!!

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Here I Am

First, I wanted to send a special thank you to Dianna for her extra special support and encouraging words. Your friendship is a wonderful blessing to me my friend. And to all of you who take a moment to stop and share I send my sincere Thanks to you as well.

The Running

I'm only able to get in about 30 minutes, or thereabouts, to run these days, so my distance has dropped to about 5 km route and it's heartbreaking. I keep telling myself it's all okay and the extended break may have many hidden advantages. I've tried to make up for it with extra pushups, dips and situps. My training is right off track, but then again life is on it's own tangent itself of course. ~shakes head~

Next week I'm back to full workouts & running since I'll be in the big, bad city of Edmonton, going to school. Whenever I need to be away from my family I focus on studying (or working etc.), work out, run long & far and sleep. It keeps me sane while dealing with the lonliness.

My New Career

It was so hard to find what it was I wanted to 'be' next now that I'm no longer a soldier. I knew I wanted to help others but boy does that leave you with a tonne of options! :-) I've been mentoring in the Dispute Resolution Centre as a mediation student for 3 weeks now and doing a lot of primary study on conflict resolution as well. I've never felt so happy or peaceful about anything in my life ever before. When I joined the military it was always one test after another and I worked very hard and becoming good at all the different aspects: fitness, battle readiness, trade etc. With mediation I seem to be a 'natural,' and it takes so little effort. The studying is like learning names for something I already know intrinsically and now I'm developing a skill set to go with what already feels 'right.' It's the most remarkable thing really. I'm hoping that when I get back to my real training I will feel the positive energy flow through into that aspect of my life as well.

Well, just wanted to ramble a bit...thanks for listening. Beijos runners!